When Darkness Overtakes You Written By Bambi Lynn

September is Suicide Awareness month. A time that we take a look at why someone would want to take their lives. A lifelong of pain that is being carried and a moment when it got to heavy. The Thought of suicide isn't something that just happens, it's a bunch of heartache day after day and year after year, its moments that were taken away from you and nobody can give them back. Its pain that you can't explain anymore and find no words to share anyway. Suicide isn't an afterthought, it is calculated, something to stop the pain. We need to find another way, as life is too precious, and pain is a season. 

 The first time I thought of taking my life, I was around thirteen. Home Life sucked. I was thirteen with not much freedom and a mom who parented out of fear. There was no freedom and peace living in my home. School was very tough for me, as I was bullied. I would hide in the bushes after school until the kids left and then I would run home. I wasn't one of those popular kids that everyone flocked to, I was a want to be, and they didn't want me. Today thirteen-year-old problems feel so minuet but, to me They were big. I remember running away with nowhere to go, only to come back and not even feel like I was missed. Who would miss me if I was gone? Who would care if I wasn't around? I was given these black pills from someone at school. I took one but, was scared to take them all. Fear stopped me from ending everything in those moments. I can still remember how I felt and what a chicken I thought I really was.

 The second time I thought my life was worthless, was at sixteen years old. I moved out of my mom's house the day after my sixteenth birthday. I wanted out and a new beginning. My uncle by marriage came and loaded my black garbage bags into his trunk and we drove off.  I thought I was leaving to start a new life, a new beginning, and a new chapter. Definitely was a new chapter in my life. but one that I wish I could go back and make a different decision. Everyone heard rumors of my uncle but, those rumors didn't stop me from leaving my mom's house. Those rumors I tucked away thinking nothing would ever happen to me. Then the opening up of the bathroom door, while I was taking a shower began to happen frequently. First it was "oops" didn't know you were in here, to opening up the shower to see me naked. I was scared and paralyzed by what was happening. I couldn't tell anyone and couldn't go back, I felt stuck in this situation that I took a bottle of aspirin or Tylenol. This time I wasn't afraid to take the whole bottle. I was more afraid what was going to happen to me if I stayed alive. I remember going to the Hospital. My mom showed up and asked me questions but, I said nothing. I was brought back home, and my uncle told me to never pull that stunt again. I felt trapped and nobody to tell. I truly felt alone, and things only got worse.

The third time I tried to take my life was the night my uncle came into my room for the last time I told myself., I told myself he was never going to hurt me again. I was going to do something about it. I was going to end the pain and the disgust I felt every time he came into my room to fondly me in a way no uncle should. I protected myself, by not being there in my mind. I hid the pain of being violated by a man who was supposed to protect me but, instead did things to me that I couldn't explain and couldn't stop my body from reacting. Earlier in the day, I had gotten a bag from under the kitchen sink, knowing this was the last day anything like that would happen to me again. That evening when I went to bed, I thought it would be last time I would awaken the next morning. I took that bag from under my pillow and wrapped it around my head. I thought I would be dead when my uncle would come into my room that evening. I was hoping he would find me gone and he couldn't hurt me anymore. I don't know how long I had the bag over my head. It felt like a lifetime but, know it was moments because my uncle came in a took it off and I was alive. Few days after that attempt to end my life I had the courage to walk into the school nurse and tell the secret that was happening behind closed doors. My life was spared, and a new chapter was now being written from that darkness.

All my brokenness led me to situations that I myself had created. I found myself in places that I didn't need to be but, to broken to see I was being used and not loved. December of 1986, I walked down to the bridge in my hometown ready to get out of this life that I had no control over. I was somebody that I knew nobody would miss but, this pain in my heart was too big for me to handle anymore. I need this pain to go away. My only solution was to take my life. How could anyone carry this much pain for one minute longer. Sixteen and already used up by my choice and also with no choice of my own. I couldn't do this life anymore. I felt dirty and betrayed by everyone around me. It was time to put an end to it all. Just one leap into the water and it would finally be done, and the pain would finally bring me purpose in death. When I went to jump, someone's hand pulled me down.

Getting thrown into a police car and driven to a psyche place for children was a failing feeling., as it showed me, I was still here. I had failed in taking my life. I would now need to confess to someone that I had failed. I was sent to a place that nobody would know my pain and I could disguise the pain from everyone. I wasn't ready for all the questions, all the blood work, and all the check marks that were being put on a clipboard with every questioned I answered. I went to bed that evening all alone and a locked door that kept me from wandering away. I fell asleep thinking I was a failure because I couldn't even take my life. My sleep was restless. Not sure when I finally fell asleep, but I was now awakened to get ready for the day, get my bedroom in order, and come out to the hallway. I had the same clothes on from last night when I came in, nobody saw me. But now I was on display for all the see. We were ordered to get into single file and go to the tables to eat for breakfast. A nurse put her hand on my shoulder and asked me after breakfast to come to the nurse's station.

I had no idea that that stop to the nurse's station was going to change my life forever. I was seated behind the glass doors and told at that moment, that I was pregnant and asked, "did you know that?" I had no idea and at that moment my head started spinning. I asked to go to my room. I was granted that time because of the news I just heard, and I really couldn't wrap my head around any of this.  For The first time with those attempts to end my life my mind went to God. In that moment I cried out to him. I remember it not being pretty, but it was a cry of desperation. A cry of hopelessness. A cry I would remember to this day, as I am writing. I didn't have much faith in his help as I didn't know he would care for a girl who didn't have a family in the church. A belief I carried since I was a church bus kid many years ago. But I knew this life inside of me was my only chance of survival. I knew I needed this life inside of me to keep my mind off of taking mine all the time, as my way of coping. I begged God that day to save me, I begged him to find it in his heart to save me and my baby. I begged him to find a way to protect me and my baby. I begged him to give me a chance. I felt on that day he did just that and life began to look different to me. I began to see life. I began to see death as not an answer.

All these years later I can feel the pain of each time I thought my life wasn't worth living. As I wrote each account of the moments that I felt I couldn't go on.  I also came feel that moment that I surrendered it all to God. My life didn't turn into rose pedals and unicorns. I have had some dark moments that I have prayed not to wake up in the morning. But I have never felt the urge to take my own life again. I have had to crawl out of many dark moments. I have had to go to the enemies camp many times and take back what he has stolen from me. I have had times I couldn't breathe because the pain was so intense. I know the feeling of loss and the feeling of deep depression. But, on that day that I gave everything to God, I meant it.I truly kept my word as he kept his.

I wanted you to know my story, I wanted to be vulnerable enough so you would understand I know where some of you have been. I wanted to tell my story so you can feel safe in telling yours. This is me telling you, you are not alone, and my hand is stretched out to you. This is me telling you in the darkest moments of my life God showed up. He brought people into my life with Jesus with skin on. In the darkest times of my life, I held on till the morning came. When the storm was wild and I thought I couldn't stand, I would hang onto the whisper, that I would get to the other side. When the valley was so deep, I kept walking until I got to the mountain. I showed up tattered and bruised but, I made it. My friend so can you!!!