The other day I wanted something to eat, I went into my freezer and saw ice-cream that has been in there probably over a month. I pulled it out and got a bowl and put some ice-cream in the bowl, only to have this thought that I really don't like ice-cream. i never thought about it until that moment that ice-cream was just a memory that is dear to me. Eating Ice cream by myself isn't what I wanted. In that moment I even realized I didn't care for a bowl of ice-cream. I dumped the bowl of ice-cream and went to bed thinking about that bowl of ice-cream that I just dumped down my sink.
My son called me the next morning and I told him about not liking ice-cream and I realized that the reason I thought I loved ice-cream was because it brought me back to moments in my life that made an impact on me.My son and I talked about it for a little while. I couldn't shake the revelation I just got over Ice cream. I couldn't get over the fact that some things in my life I only like because of the memories that thing brings to me, the ice-cream was an emotional attachment to something profound to me in my memory bank.
The first memory that popped into my mind was when I was a little girl. between the ages of eight and ten, I know that because that was when our family had moved to Virginia. I had a hard time belonging when we lived there, and kids were bullies and would chase our family home when we got off the bus. My uncle and his girlfriend came to me and told me that If I got straight As for one week, they would take me to get ice-cream and I could pick out any kind I wanted. I worked really hard that week and got straight "As" I was so excited that Saturday when I got into the car with my uncle and his girlfriend, we drove to the ice-cream shop. They told me I could have anything I wanted, and I chose a Banana split. This time with them impacted my life so profoundly because they made me feel like I belong and was loved for a moment.
When my oldest grandson and I went on a trip together. We stopped at an ice-cream shop. I told him he could pick anything he wanted; he picked a banana split. That was his first banana split ever, I was able to share my story with him. I know it wasn't a profound moment for him but, to me it was like telling him he belongs and that how much I loved him. He couldn't eat the whole thing, just like when I was a little girl. I bought ice cream also. But it wasn't because I wanted it but, because it was a moment that took me back into time when I felt a sense of belonging. I now could share that with my grandson whom I love deeply.
My third memory that impacted my life greatly over ice-cream, was when my sons were young. I was still with their dad who was very controlling and wanted me to know at all times he was in charge. he asked my sons if they wanted to go out for ice-cream, then said, If I said a word in the car he would turn around and nobody would have ice-cream I didn't think anything of it when we all got into the car and I turned around and said to the boys, Isn't this exciting? That my ex-husband would go back into the driveway and get out of the car and tell my sons, your mom is a bitch and doesn't listen to anything. My sons started to cry, and I got out of the car and went to the front porch, my sons followed me. I grabbed both of their arms and made a promise, more like a vow that this would never happen to them again, that I would always somehow have money at all times. That they were never again going to have that feeling again. I started stashing any kind of money I could so my sons would never have that happened to them again. Now wherever I go with my children I always have enough money to take them. That moment made me realize no moments were going to be taken away from any of my family members. For some reason I always ask if they want to go get ice-cream or even make sundaes at home and I will pay for it Having Ice-cream moments always have meant something to me.
So, this brings me back to realizing I don't like Ice-cream. Ice cream sits in my freezer for months before I just throw it away. Ice- cream to me represent moments with my children and grandchildren. It was never about ice-cream but, about memories. Made me wonder how many times we say we like something, when in reality we are trying to recreate the moment. How many things does a man really like of his wife's food, or is it she took the time to make it? How many things as a child did my children like something only to find out as adults it was the sacrifice their mom was making to make something when in reality they realize as an adult they really don't like it?
Memories hold so much weight in our lives. So many things we do in our lives is to bring that moment in our lives when we felt something so profound. We sometimes even go places over and over again to catch that first moment when we were there, so now every year we are catching that moment only to be disappointed it didn't feel like the last time. We take our children to places thinking they are going to feel the same way you did as a child. We get upset but, it isn't their attachment to that place it is yours I will still try and catch those moments over ice-cream but, I realized I don't need to love ice-cream to have those moments again because watching my children and grandchildren eating ice-cream is all I need to take me back to belonging. I am taken back but, it's okay not to love ice-cream, it has only become an avenue for a moment in my memories that I cherish. No more throwing away ice-cream, I am just not going to buy it.