I believe when we share our stories, we are given a rare opportunity to connect with each other's hearts. Suicide isn't a story that is easy to share. There is a stigma attached But, when courage and bravery come into our hearts, we have no other choice but, to share and give hope to someone else. Below Is a story of a woman that survived some terrible things in her life> she has chosen courage to share her story because even if one person is help than everything is worth it. The person that stares at you every morning is a hero.
I am a grandmother who at 69 went through a very
ugly divorce a few years ago.
It rocked my world to the point that I moved out of
state and away from my three children and eight
Grandchildren.
I was catapulted into depression and thoughts of
suicide.
My battle began as such:
But Life:
Is about security, feelings, children, reputation, finances,
the kind of familiar that keeps us more than being in love
Keeping my feet under the table, the family table
Leaving causes too much unraveling
Leaving comes with a side order of wounding, crying and confusion
Massive alarm bells are ringing in my head
The other side is too expensive, too much loss
So I will return:
Because the aftershocks could last for years or eternity
Because eight children need to see me stay and be for them
Because a world of international persons is watching and hoping
Because new routines are hard
Because creature comforts
Because
Pulling. Pulling. Stronger than mind can fight.
The shrouds take over me. Sinking fast
Weight of hopeless blinds my sight
Quick sand swallows my soul at last
Stopping. Stopping. I cannot breathe
Fighting fear wraps arms around
The weight grabs quick It will not leave
If I give in will I be found
Spiraling. Spiraling. It’s now free fall
It swallowed me with no fight left
I’m weakened now. I give it all
What does it want? No sand to sift
Giving. Giving. I find the tools
I give it what it wants the most
It takes my soul, it overrules
Take it all, no emotion boasts
Surrender. Surrender to the beast
The fight is gone All payment seized
It comes and leaves a lifeless yeast
The dark has won No heart to squeeze
They came in sweetness Broken souls
They came in toughness Bearing holes
They came in backwards Fighting hearts
They came in classes From the start
The rooms were darkened From the world
The rooms were silenced Fear unfurled
The rooms were simple Shelter harm
The rooms were soulless No alarm
The helpers friendly Safe from life
The helpers smile In spite of strife
The helpers staying Through the night
The helpers helping Fight the fight
The patients settle Resting starts
The patients open Broken hearts
The patients give Encouragement
The patients help Each other vent
The days go by Each slowly moves
The days go by As minutes sooth
The days go by Some sleeping through
The days go by Nothing to prove
The classes focus One by one
The classes focus Healing some
The classes focus Hands in air
The classes focus Souls to bare
The meds are given Shaking hands
The meds are given Some pretend
The meds are given Some rebel
The meds are given Relief from hell
The mind is fragile No coping skills
The mind is fragile We cope with pills
The mind is fragile We’ve let it slip
The mind is fragile A sinking ship
So what’s the answer We try to find
So what’s the answer Just please be kind
So what’s the answer We beg and plead
So what’s the answer Give us that seed
We want to make it No more repeats
We want to make it Manna to eat
We want to make it Whole again
We want to make it No sinking sand
So here’s our cry From night to day
So here’s our cry That you will stay
So here’s our cry Someone to care
So here’s our cry Our soul to bare
2 comments
this was so profound!! Thank you for your courage and rawness in sharing your story. I can relate in many seasons of my life. Sometimes I would just pray “God if you want to take me tonight, I am ready” Life is hard!! We need each other, I need to hear I am not the only one< I need to hear hope for tomorrow. Thank you for being vulnerable. There is healing through stories.
Your story moved me. I am a psych nurse, now retired. I find myself in the middle of what is supposed to be a wonderful time of life torn in pieces. My son, in his early 40s has lived with us for just over a year. An alcoholic that wanted to get clean and get his life back. He has stayed away from the alcohol but now uses gummies to cope. It’s obvious to me he is a schizophrenic and has severe ptsd. He holds a good job, for now, but I wonder how long that he will last. Constantly self sabotages himself. Has seen a counselor twice in the past few months but very good at camouflaging his true feelings. His daughter, whom we raised because her mother didn’t want her..at least she made no attempt to petition the court, and neither did he, is 21 and pregnant. Boyfriend walked when he found out. She spends her days chain smoking and crying. Doesn’t want the baby, tried to abort twice without success. Sometimes I feel like you did. But I know I just want the misery of two people I love to end.
Thank you for writing. Your not alone. You are worth being loved. You are important, especially to those grandchildren. Jesus loves you, He gave his life for you. Sending you hugs and thank you for sharing. Your an inspiration ❤️