My Tears Told the Story, written by Bambi Lynn

Wow what a year. I know I am not the first and only one who will thank God that we only live a moment once. That saying, "Goodbye to 2024" It Has been a year that was hard to handle and did a lot of knocking you down. Life always seemed to be something I could handle, Something I could lift my hands to heaven and say, "Thank you." This year I found myself having to repent many times because my attitude wasn't that. I felt like I was walking around being punched in the gut and being told, "get back up" only to be punched again. I would begin to pray, and my words turned into tears, I had no words but uncontrollable tears that fell down my face and dampened my clothing. The mascara smeared over my face and my heart was as heavy if not heavier then when the tears fell.
One thing that stands out to me this year is pain seemed to be all around me. My friends and family didn't seem to be exempt from it and it was a domino effect to the next broken heart and broken pieces of life, they had no idea where to start being put back together again. or even if they wanted to be
One of my closest friends of over thirty years, lost her daughter this past October. I can't even believe she is gone. The day before she died, we were messaging each other back and forth. We were making jokes together. She was excited that she finally passed her GED and felt like she was going places. I was at a farm petting cows and little goats, when my friend called me and told me her daughter was gone. I felt numb and had no words to speak. My daughter had taken a picture of me staring into space. I was really trying to put words together to pray. No words came out but tears fell. God knew my broken heart and I said, 'Amen".
I drove back to Buffalo to spend some time with my friend. I sat and listened to her. When she said all of this is so familiar, I knew she was talking about losing her second born daughter over seventeen years ago. I knew her grief was deepened as her heart felt the loss of two children. I understood when she said, I can't pray. I knew she needed to be heard and grace to be given. I knew her tears were the only prayers she could pray. My question to God this year was why? He has been silent in most of those questions this year and has given me grace to ask the questions and space to understand something I can't. My dear friend will never be the same and I will walk with her through this again. but most of her walk will be alone and I hope she will one day see a loving God even when she doesn't understand.
I lost my Job of nine years with the Nielsen company. That was expected from the clues that were given throughout the year. but when it happened it still was a knockout blow to the stomach. When I got up, I was knocked out again when I found out they denied my unemployment. I think that hurt me the most, as I thought of the time and sacrifice I gave to a company, that at the end I was just a body that they took advantage of and just a person they soon could replace. You realize real soon that friendships are now scattered as you don't share the same common bond anymore and phone calls are lessened. I have had those Dear God, tears moments because I didn't know what to say as the dream and open door was now closed. I stepped back and looked into the mirror wondering what was going to happen next. I struggled in giving up and relying on my passion. I have to know that God has a plan. Sometimes I am not privy to all the information. My tears fall because of fear but, then love must cast out fear. God has a plan. Right?
One of my dear friends down here in the South had to move out of her home. The House wasn't safe and had so many problems and the landlord wouldn't do anything about the repairs. but raised the rent. It isn't so much the move that was happening, it wasn't that she had nowhere to go because her son had a place that they could move back to. A place where she started a life with her Husband that passed away. There were so many repairs that needed to be done, and the process has been slow. My heart went out to her not because she couldn't do it but because she had to. I see things in a different sense now as my age is catching up to me and the unknown is always around the corner. When you are alone and single the things of life seem to get harder and fewer people around you to help pick up the slack for you as your body is aging and you walk a little slower than before. I think about how the death of our dreams hit reality in our forever growing old stage of life. I thought how unfair it was that she needed to move when I just got here, and we became kindred spirit sisters. I was so mad and when I prayed, I again had no words but tears. Tears that I cried myself to sleep as she has been the one who has come to my rescue and now, she is another state away. I never wanted to experience that kind of loss again as I still long for my friends in Buffalo. I didn't want my friend to have to pack up her life again and go back to a place where death knocked on the door and it came in and took her husband. I felt robbed and so I wrote another letter to God with my tears and ended it with Amen. I know he understands.
I have longed for my children that I have had no contact with for over four years and for some even more. My heart aches when I go and see my other children, and something seems to be missing and I can't seem to put my finger on it but, nothing is ever the same. I hate when I have no words to speak out loud because they wouldn't want to hear what I have to say in the first place. I am torn to pieces as I drive away wondering if we will ever talk with kindness again and if they miss what I miss or am I the only one who feels it. Like most mothers with estranged children our hearts long for something that we want back but, we are not sure what it is. The transition to adulthood is not easy for any mom, let alone those that are broken. I have had to watch a dear friend of mine this past year see the destruction of her family. I have had to watch her be more vulnerable and open up the closest that she has hid so much pain, and not being guaranteed forgiveness would be received. I have cried with her as we know each other's pain. I have laughed with her when tears just wouldn't fall. My note to God this year is full of tears and the question of, When? My tears have fallen more this year for my children because I see no end. I have soaked many pieces of paper writing down my heart like other mothers when we see no end and the light seems dimmer. The tears just seem to come. They come and give us healing. But, for what?
I have struggled with, why does a young girl have to suffer so deeply with health and loss? A precious young lady has suffered more this year with her liver disease than any other year. The Doctors have now put her on the donor list, and she has found a live donor in one of her siblings. I have cried and prayed more for her this year as I know all the loss she has already been through. She has experienced more death experiences throughout this whole year. She is weak and at times her brain fog was unbearable. God is okay with our frustrations and gives us grace through them. But wow my heart hurts every time I get a text or a phone call from her or someone else in her family. I believe God does have a plan but I also know the pain and the dreams that have been shattered, and I just want to take it all away for her.
Good and evil run on the same track,
You can have both good and bad,
The Dear God tears can be for both.
I stand in awe of writing and publishing my second book this year." The Treasures of My Heart," was such an accomplishment, and I am so grateful for the full circle of that book. When I did my event in Buffalo for the launching of the book, I had no idea what I was doing and how it would come out. I was blessed by the women that showed up and believed in me. They walked away feeling full and knowing their worth in Christ. I took away some takeaways and will work on the efficiency of putting on an event. I saw the faces of these women and knew my heart was full by their experience, they were given back their worth in Christ that day. That is what my Treasures were all about. I cried those tears, and God understood my overwhelming feeling of gratitude.
I have been overwhelmed this year with the opportunities I have had to be on over one hundred podcasts, sharing my story. When I was in my late twenties, I had a dream of speaking to people on a stage and watching them be transformed. I still see that dream so vividly, and now I see it coming to pass. I am overwhelmed by the many people that have said, I have a gift. I am overwhelmed by the chances I have been given and the many lives that have been touched by my story. I look back to this broken girl and realize she has risen out of the ashes and has been turned into something beautiful. Those tears on my letter to God are tears of discovery, tears of finding my voice and running to my Father's Arms and finding grace.
My Dad passed away this year, I wrote him a letter and made peace with him and with myself. I forgave him a long time ago but I needed him to know that. In his death my sister was given to me. My sister, April, is my half-sister, but I hate that term. She truly has been a gift to me. We have realized how much alike we are. I spent a night at her house when I went back home, and we shared some special moments and went to my aunt's house to have some" going down memory lane" . We laughed, we cried, and we just felt connected. I have prayed for some family and in my tears, God blessed me. There is a kindred spirit between us but, we are sisters, what did we expect?
I took a special kind of trip this year. Something I have never done before; I went on a cruise. A couple friends and I decided, "let's do it" We Went on a payment planned and just went for it. I was so excited that I was doing something off my bucket list. I was excited to travel again with friends. Then I lost my job. I thought my job would put a damper on my excited for a cruise. There were times it did, and if I had not paid for it already, I would have cancelled. I am so glad that God ordered our steps and knew that about me. I had so much fun. I spent New Years on a boat deck celebrating with a huge crowd. I looked at the past and knew I wasn't there anymore and shouted for my future. I felt so beautiful on that ship, as I dressed up and took pictures and swirled around in my dresses, like I was a princess. I need the time on the ocean, seeing the goodness of God. I needed that experience in a way that I needed to breathe. I had felt the last couple months taking my joy. I knew that cruise gave me back some of my joy and my tears were tears of joy. They were my anthem to God on how good he is. My tears were refreshing and have given me a purpose.
My Dear God, for 2024 was a season, some was dancing and some was mourning, some of it was the darkest nights and the brightest mornings. Some of the year was planting and other parts were a harvest. The year brought brokenness and also healing all at the same time. The good and the bad fall on all of us. Noone is exempt from either. As I close out 2024, I start with the new chapter of 2025 with the words, Dear God, I am excited to see how many tears are shed through the letter of my life. We journey through this life and God catches our tears. Welcome 2025, I am here for the ride