Moments before Written by Bambi Lynn

This past week I was able to go back to Buffalo. One of my dearest friends had lost their daughter at the age of twenty-one. I Knew I would be going back to visit my dear friend, but what I didn't know is that I would lose my job just before I was set to go. which meant I would be able to stay longer and have my friends put salve on my wounds of losing my job. I couldn't have gone back at a better time for western New York as the fall leaves were still in their peak. I took every opportunity I could to be outside and enjoy God's coloring book.

One evening my friend, Annmarie and I decided we would walk this beautiful state park, Knox Farms located in the town she lived. The weather was colder than the other days, So, I had to wear a jacket but still had sandals on. I couldn't take enough pictures, nothing would capture it like my eyes could. I wanted a picture with the sunsetting in the backdrop. I asked her if she would take the picture as I walked behind the fence. Only to find myself on the ground because I stepped in a hole. I was scared because the last time I fell down with Annmarie was when we were playing tennis in her backyard, and I broke my knee. I know I had the look of fear on my face but, I got up and walked over to the fence and she took my picture. When looking at this picture you have no idea what had happened moments earlier. Anyone looking at this picture wouldn't be able to see what I felt minutes before this picture was taken.

I thought about all the other things that happen in our lives minutes before someone shows up. Minutes before anything happens in our lives. I realized the facade we all can live in, and nobody would ever know.

One of the days I was back home I took my grandchildren on a full day of adventures. We went apple picking, went to the Jello Museum and factory, and my grandchildren got to see where I grew up and the baseball dugout that I jumped off and landed on a rock. We also went down to the cemetery to see the creek where the Jello was dumped to clean out the machines long ago. I knew my grandma was buried there but could never find her gravestone. My uncle and grandfather had the same site with my grandma. So, when I asked my grandchildren to help me find it, I wasn't expecting to hear, "I found it " coming from my granddaughter. I had no idea my grandfather had died five years ago and it was surreal to realize my grandma has been gone for over twenty years. I still remember that call on Christmas Day. I was okay with everything, and my emotions were in check until I looked behind the tombstone and saw the words "The Greatest man" So Many emotions overtook me, and I needed to be composed as my grandchildren were with me and they would have no idea why anger had welled up inside me. I don't know how people measured his greatest. He did serve in the Korean War. I don't know if any of my family members had that written on the tombstone. But greatness is not the word I would have chosen as he sexually molested many of his granddaughters and I would find out later in life, it wasn't just us that fell victim to his perversion. I felt that when people would walk by this tombstone and see the words, "greatest man" it wouldn't tell the true story, and they would never know it. Those words created a facade of the pain he caused us. Another layer of forgiveness had to fall off that day. Just wasn't ready for that.

When I was married to my ex-husband, there were so many times we would walk into church or a gathering and put a smile on our faces and pretend that he didn't just insult me. We pretended that we just didn't get into a fight where I was pushed and told to shut up. I went to Bible studies where women would tell me the same thing. We put smiles on our faces as our hearts were breaking one more time. We didn't call it pretending, but that is what it was. We wore a mask hoping no one would see the mask falling off, we taped it really good until we got back into the car thinking once again, I am walking this alone. I know I was hoping someone would see and save me, but they either saw and pretended they didn't, or saw and just wanted to stay out of it. The facade today hurts me as I know how painful that mask was to my soul. The facade kept me longer in my deep secrets that home wasn't safe for me.

How many mothers wanted a great family picture only to scream and grit our teeth ten minutes prior to the words, "say cheese"? How many of us just wanted for a moment for things to be perfect and look perfect so nobody would notice the sadness in our family. We wanted to be like every Christmas Card, with all their happy faces. We created a facade so our secret could remain, that our homes weren't perfect. We didn't understand that those Christmas Cards we got were trying to do the same thing.

I don't think there isn't one person that hasn't gone on Facebook and thought, "wow I want their lives" We look at others and think, they have it so much better than us. But what we never know is what happened before that picture was taken or the story was told. We don't know how long that mom really spent on the playground playing with the kids before she took the picture and then said, "let's go" We never get the full story or the full picture of everyone's life. I have said it many times, "I want to be a fly on their wall" not everything seems as it appears. The grass isn't greener on the other side. We just think it is because we aren't being shown the brown spots in others' lives.

Life is full of ups and downs, a Roller Coaster ride of a lifetime. Noone will leave this world without some scars. The facade we create is because we think we are the only ones who has our kind of lives. But when we buy a red car now everyone has one. The mask of our lives will come off one day, I think it's better to remove it before God does. He gives us many chances to take off the mask. He nudges us to stop pretending, to get rid of the facade. But to do that we have to be honest with ourselves. Life isn't perfect and sometimes we do fall into holes and have to get back up and wipe off the dirt.

Find your tribe that gives you liberty to be yourself. The facade we all face and tell ourselves is just a smoke screen to the truth. Plus, it is the truth that sets us free