How Trauma is not just about what Happened

                                 Trauma isn't just the bad stuff that happened.

                                  It's also the good stuff that never happened.

                                           By Dr. Heidi Green

I had one of my daughters write me, stating "do you wanna know something ironic but, yet sad., At age seven when I stopped playing barbies because I thought they were stupid, I didn't want to pretend to make them happy. here I am buying my daughter the dreamhouse that she kept asking for.

When I got this message, it made me think of the statement above. I was crushed as a mom because I knew why my daughter stop playing barbies. That was the time her dad left, she was old enough this time to remember and to be impacted by it. As a mom I knew there was nothing I could do about her pain and bringing back her smile and innocence. That moment would not only impact her at that time but, for the rest of her life.

 Each one of our lives are full of some kind of trauma that not only defines us but also affects us. We don't know the impact until we have to walk through it. When a daddy-daughter dance happens at school and the little girl doesn't have her daddy. When a little girl grows up and it's time for prom and her mom isn't there to watch her leave on her special day. When a son hits a homerun and looks around for dad but, he isn't there. What happens when a death takes place of a child how everything stands still forever in that moment? we are afraid to go on and having people think we didn't care. We freeze as children if some dirty old man chooses to touch us and robs the carefree life of a childhood. She or he now spends their lives not trusting anyone. Mommy and daddy make a decision that marriage isn't for them, now family vacations or nightly dinner will never happen again with all of us together. Celebrations take place with parents on opposite sides. No more family pictures to show We belong to two people not just one. The trauma that takes place when a child now has bad memories about Holidays, so now they sabotage every holiday with their families, thinking they are hiding from the pain of the trauma they have experienced. A man or woman that has been violate while dating or even married. They walk away never again to put themselves in that situation again. They shut themselves down. What takes place when a person chooses drugs to medicate the pain of some trauma they have walked through or when someone chooses a bridge because of their trauma.

Something happens to us, and we stop living, we find no hope in Life. We look at other lives and think everything is so much better for them. I know for myself personally; I have mourned the things that trauma robbed me of. I will never get those moments back or not experience them in the first place. I have had to mourn the death of a dream so many times. One of my greatest things that trauma took from me was celebrating a golden anniversary. This has played on my emotions for a very long time. I also struggle with the happiness I could have shared with my children in their special moments. I know I have struggled of not giving my children things that were taken away from them and myself. I look at others family vacation and think, I am happy that they don't have trauma that robs them of those special times. i rejoice when I see family pictures of others because it reminds me it could have happened but, because of trauma it didn't.

I wanted to write this because I wanted you to know I see you!!  I see your pain!! I see that you were dealt a tough deck of cards that you didn't ask for. You didn't deserve what you went through. You are not to blame for the things that people did to you and made your life stop in place. I see you and I grieve with you.

  I found that God is with the broken hearted, He is here to set the captive free.  He can lead us by the still waters and restore our soul. I don't know how he comes into our hearts and cleans them all up but, I am living proof he does. I have cried out to God, sometimes it is daily for me.  I am living proof that when you hand over your heart, he takes it and heals it.

When I think of what my daughter did, with buying her daughter the Barbie house. I see she has taken back her trauma/ She chose to buy the house because it was her trauma not her daughters. We can take our trauma and create something good out of it. Just because trauma took from me doesn't mean I have nothing to share with others. i do cry for that little girl inside of me that was robbed of so many things. But that little girl doesn't have to continue to rob me. Trauma happened but, so did so many other things. I am so sorry for your trauma, breaks my heart that we are people that didn't experience somethings others did. But, my friend, it's a new day!! Go make some memories that give you back your life. Train your brain with a new memory instead of the ones that rob you!! I am with you, cheering you on. You can do this!! it starts today.