FULL CURCLE WRITTEN BY BAMBI LYNN

This beach, for many years was my safe haven. My place that I could talk to God in a way that I felt he was there. I didn't have to be formal; I could be honest and even if I didn't hear his voice and felt him, I knew he was there. I brought all my pain at this very spot. I carried so much baggage to this rock. I carried so many tears and allowed the tears to fall when I sat and thought about my life and how and when was the "way of escape" going to happen. I saw nothing but, brokenness at this very rock for so many years.

This place was my refuge, The place where I could get away and feel safe. This was my place of healing. I wouldn't know that for years but, looking back this is where I learned I couldn't give up. I had to journey on. I promised God so many years ago that I would honor him all the days of my life, if he saved me and my baby. I couldn't back down now, even though I felt broken into pieces. I never thought they would come back together again. I saw no hope and experienced despair

I came to this beach the day I found out I was pregnant out of marriage for the second time. The first time I had surrendered my life to Christ as a young sixteen-year-old, that had no hope and found it in the cross. This time I came feeling shame, as I was a Christian for more than ten years and serving in the church. I was so scared of the wrath of God, that I felt was coming. But all he gave me was love and grace. I sat in silence as God washed over me and I felt him tell me that a son was growing inside me. That was huge as he had to prepare me for that in my heart, as I never wanted a son for fear that he would turn out to be like all the men that hurt and abused me and took everything from me. That day God healed me of that fear. I found forgiveness that day. A few weeks later I would find out that God would bless a broken and sinful girl with twins. he would look down at my life and give me mercy and double bless me with one of the greatest gifts to this day.

I would find solace at this place in times when my ex-husband would put his hands on me in anger. I came here the evening that he choked me until I passed out, pleading with God asking, when would this end? I came from the emergency room one evening when he punched me so hard in the shoulder that I needed a sling to hold it up for it to heal. I drove to this very spot when he spit in my face and told me I was a worthless piece of shit and would amount to nothing in life.  I would cry out to God and ask him to wrap his arms around me, I would ask him to give me a sign or something to tell me I would be okay. I would plead with him, begging for all of this to stop. I would look out to the water and ask him to allow the waves to take me and give me peace. I would leave that rock with determination to allow God to heal my brokenness. I didn't know when but, I knew he would.

One of the hardest days of my life lead me back to this rock. I couldn't stop the uncontrollable tears from falling and making my vision impossible to see. This was the day I found out three of my daughters were moving in with their dad. The were no longer going to live with me. I felt like a failure that day and I needed to go to the water and to that rock to scream and plead with God to stop this from happening. My daughters had seen enough abuse and arguing with my ex-husband and me. My daughters felt like I had chosen him over my own safety. Also felt like I didn't choose them. Even writing this I can feel that pain coming back to my soul. I would spend years trying to rebuild relationships that this decision created. That moment took away years of building and for a couple of my daughters, that day never brought them back. I spent so much time in the months after that day, to ask God to bring healing, give me back my daughters. I pleaded many days and nights. I still am praying and believing that God has a plan, and he is working it out. That hard day led me to the rock, lead me to the water and continues to lead me to my knees.

I have spent so many moments walking this beach, looking for sea glass, kicking my feet in the water, and praying while watching the waves come and go. I have asked questions and received some answers and others I believe God is in the process of answering. Just not on my timeline. I have sat in silence on this very rock and just thought about my dreams and what I wanted my life to look like in years to come. I always walked away refreshed and thought God and I had a talk and he listened and bottled up my tears. I remember his love that day I told him I would change my name if he didn't tell me the meaning of it. Only to get the biggest virtual hug from him when I learned my name meant "Holy Child" I found hope at this very place so many times in the darkest moments of my life. He did show up and showed me love, grace, mercy. And above all he showed me that I could trust in him.

I took this picture recently on my trip back to Buffalo, I was on a podcast show, titled" The next chapter" He asked me to take a picture to show how full circle I have come. I thought it was a great idea. I just didn't expect the healing it brought to me. I never expected the emotions, I had when I sat on that same rock and felt free and healed. I could reminisce in the moments I felt nothing but, despair and now feel gratitude for the journey. I came to that rock on that day to say thank You for all those moments and what they had done for me. I put my two published books on that rock and felt accomplished. I had been healed and transformed by God's grace. I was being reminded, he never left me nor forsaken me. He was taking my ashes and turning them into beauty for not only for me to see, but for the whole world, so they would know also that, his plan for them is like his plan for me, never to let me go and shower me with his love. The moment I accepted him so many years ago, he put a crown on my head and declared I am a daughter of the King and nothing will ever separate me from his love!! I have come full circle, now it's your turn to Walk into your next chapter with no more shame but, with your head up high as you are a king's kid.