I can see the waves and the stillness of the water in the secret pockets of my heart. I
reminisce, re-playing in my head the times I ran desperately to the water, asking God for
direction, and over and over, asking him why.
I sat at the beach with pen and paper, begging God to speak to me. When life felt like it was
swallowing me up, I ran to the peacefulness of the water, trying to catch my breath.
In the darkest part of night at the edge of the water, I sat with tears streaming down my face.
I asked God for a way to escape. I wanted answers to my questions. I wanted direction for my
life. So many times, life led me to the water, and If I didn't go I feel life would’ve led to my
death. I often prayed to the Lord, assuring him that it would be okay if I didn’t wake up in the
morning. It would be okay if you could take this pain away. Each time I prayed those words, I
would awaken, and feel drawn to the water. I walked along the beach, picking up sand glass,
reminded that their smooth surfaces were once sharp and jagged. Someone had smashed the
bottle, the water took it out to sea, and the waves moved over it over and over again until the
sides were smooth and soft to the touch. What a true representation of our lives.
I am reminded that life is not easy. The waves speak to my soul, coming in and going out,
like each chapter of our lives. They lead me to answers, and sometimes to the questions that I
need to ask. Water may go on forever, but there is always an island somewhere for rest. To
recover from the crashing and breaking of life.
God has always shown up for me at the edge of water. Moving gently over my broken life,
bringing peace in those moments. I went to him when I got pregnant with my twins, and he
showed up and showed me I was prepared for the double blessing. I didn't need to fear the
process; he would lead me all the way. God showed up when I went to the water and screamed
and yelled and cried until I didn’t have any tears left to cry, devastated by my name and what it
had cost me all these years. He displayed his great love in giving my name the meaning of 'Holy
Child". He gave me purpose again. I ran to him when I was hit or choked or spit on by a man
who was supposed to love me but instead took from me. I often ran to the water asking why. I
ran with tears flowing down my face, looking for answers. I ran to find direction and for God to
just take this life away from me. I struggled to hear God in those days as I was told to just pray
more and keep seeking him and be silent and win my husband without a word. How could I do
that when I was choked until I passed out, or when I was spit on in my face because I disgusted
someone? I would sit at the water for hours believing that God had a way of escape. I knew my
prayers were being answered for just the right time. The water calmed me, helping me to wait.
Every year I would find water on my birthday. I needed to hear the voice of God for my
coming year ahead. I needed time to reflect on how far I had come, to find out what the word for
the year ahead was. I asked him every year for the time for me to write. When was my story
going to be put to words in the form of a book to be sold to people who needed to hear my story
to survive theirs. I felt disappointed that it wasn’t that year.
I knew there was a story inside of me and I knew the time would come for it to be released
from my innermost, bringing peace to my soul. The waves of the ocean remind me that
nothing stays the same. The waves of life come and go. The life we live has good waves that
calm you and other times the waves will be high, warning you a storm is coming in. You can feel
it and see with your own eyes, knowing it's time to prepare. Sometimes waves come in with a
rush, leaving you unprepared and forcing you to pick up the pieces and rebuild. Other times,
you sit by the waves feeling peace, and you can even float amongst them. People that love to
surf the waves are always looking for that big one; the same one we want to run away from,
fearing the pain it could bring. Perhaps, if we learned to ride them, we could see the waves
differently; we could embrace them.
No one will escape the pain of a wave in their life. None of us will walk away without feeling
the sharp edges of glass that needs to be smoothed over. We’ll all have a time that requires us
to rebuild because of what the crashing of the waves have done in our lives. But we will rebuild
stronger and better. I found my place by the ocean. I found a place for me to run to. I find the
answers and hear the still small voice among the loudness of life. I found the place where I can
come just as I am and he will carry me amongst the sand and lead me to stillness. I found my
place where I go to rejoice; to sing of his goodness. The water is where life stands still, where
it’s held in place for a moment, enough for me to take a deep breath and walk again. The
treasure that is hidden within a pocket of my heart is what has kept me going all these years
because it speaks to my being, and it is there I am led to restore my soul.